Tonight's chat is one I've been looking forward to for awhile. It's topic hits close to home, and my own experiences heightened my sensitivity towards the emotional well-being of my students. The environment we create for our students includes how we treat each other, and tonight's chat was all about bullying prevention.
Our guests were Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) author of Gifted, Bullied, Resilient: A Brief Guide for Smart Families, and Trudy Ludwig (@TrudyLudwig) author of several books that highlight specific bullying situations, including My Secret Bully, Trouble Talk, Just Kidding, & The Invisible Boy. I feel very blessed to have each of these ladies as our guests! They are incredibly knowledgeable, and even though a chat only skims the surface of a topic, they were able to really dig deep and give us valuable information!
What qualifies as "bullying", and what are some signs and symptoms?
In our first question Pamela and Trudy both differentiated between meanness and bullying. Pamela shared this resource from PsychologyToday.com Is It Bullying... Or Ordinary Meanness. Trudy added rude, giving parents these helpful ways to teach them to their children:
#ohiogtchat When someone says/does something hurtful once, but not on purpose, that's RUDE
— TrudyLudwig (@TrudyLudwig) October 24, 2016
#ohiogtchat When someone says something or does something hurtful on purpose and only once, that's MEAN
— TrudyLudwig (@TrudyLudwig) October 24, 2016
#ohiogtchat When someone says/does something hurtful on purpose& you show you're mad/sad/scared & tell them to stop & they don't : bullying
— TrudyLudwig (@TrudyLudwig) October 24, 2016
- Tell their child to stand up to the bully
- Tell their child to ignore and avoid the bully
- Take matters into their own hands
- Tell your child they are not alone.
- Tell your child it is not his or her responsibility to make the bullying stop.
- Tell your child that even though bullying happens to many kids, that never makes it right.
- Tell your child no one deserves to be bullied.
- Tell your child that we all need to work together to address bullying.
Additional signs or symptoms of bullying or relational aggression include:
- giving the silent treatment
- intentional social exclusion
- gossiping
- spreading rumor
Yes @HeatherCachat The subtlety makes "zero tolerance" so ineffective. Not treating problem correctly or even at all at times. #ohiogtchat
— Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) October 24, 2016
Honestly, since bullying isn't confined to schools, I'd say that adults in any setting can ramp up or down behaviors #ohiogtchat https://t.co/KE2P7AD25n
— Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) October 24, 2016
When asked why do children bully? Trudy boiled it down: in the end, it's really all about choosing to be cruel.
#ohiogtchat Q2: One give give a lot of reasons why kids / adults pick on others; but really it's about a conscious choice to be cruel
— TrudyLudwig (@TrudyLudwig) October 24, 2016
A2) The bully gets something positive fr the behavior. More power? Attention? A sense of control? A buzz from the manipulation? #ohiogtchat
— Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) October 24, 2016
#ohiogtchat A 2) Some kids who bully think very highly of themselves. You cannot say that all kids who bully have low self-esteem
— TrudyLudwig (@TrudyLudwig) October 24, 2016
@redwhiteandgrew i.e. the adult smiles at the behavior, looks away? #ohiogtchat
— Heather Cachat (@HeatherCachat) October 24, 2016
When we talk YOUNG highly verbal G/2E kids, bullying issue gets trickier. They may know words but not full impact of behavior. #OhioGTChat
— Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) October 24, 2016
And it is the very young, highly verbal G/2E kids who I think need MORE coaching and tricks EARLIER for benefit of all #ohiogtchat
— Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) October 24, 2016
#ohiogtchat The reality is kids make both intentional & unintentional mistakes. Grown-ups need 2 turn them into teachable moments
— TrudyLudwig (@TrudyLudwig) October 24, 2016
The other reality w/ older highly verbal G/2E kids is that they fool the adults. How to switch from - to + behaviors important #ohiogtchat
— Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) October 24, 2016
#ohiogtchat Q3: In nationwide survey kids were asked this very question. What do you want peers 2 do? Top Answers: Comfort, Include, Report
— TrudyLudwig (@TrudyLudwig) October 24, 2016
Include. I feel there needs to be more clarification on this, but to me I think it means to include the child socially, as well as include them in the resolution of the bullying behavior. I hesitate to call it conflict. To me conflict connotes equality on both sides.
When a witness has the courage to Report bullying behavior to a trusted adult, they have shown the child being targeted that this behavior is not okay. And to me reporting does not include glorifying an incident. Recording and posting to social media is not reporting.
A3) Also imp. understand that G/2E kids may have heightened sensitivities to + and - social behaviors. Give them tools to deal. #ohiogtchat
— Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) October 24, 2016
A3) SUPER important w G/2E targets to get needs addressed by counselors and supportive adults who factor in their difference. #ohiogtchat
— Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) October 24, 2016
Being careful of what we are modeling for our children. And on the days you model bad behavior? Have the presence of mind to admit to your children that, "I made a mistake and I want to talk to you about what I should have said and done." Even if that admittance comes later, children will benefit from learning that their parents make mistakes too.
Yes. This is critical. "That was a bullying behavior" is more neutral. (Golly, the word is so loaded now as to be problematic) #ohiogtchat https://t.co/yihJLdmBlv
— Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) October 24, 2016
A4) Begin "kitchen table conversations" re: appropriate & inappropriate interactions, ideally BEFORE behavior but, yk, get on it #ohiogtchat https://t.co/9Xzd0ZlTGK
— Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) October 24, 2016
#ohiogtchat A4) Let child know bullying is NOT acceptable behavior. Child needs to take responsibility & make up for hurt he/she caused.
— TrudyLudwig (@TrudyLudwig) October 24, 2016
The first few go hand in hand with the last word. Stripped of New Age-y vibe, it's about being thoughtful in word and deed #ohiogtchat https://t.co/bvFVoDrnmU
— Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) October 24, 2016
@jeff_shoemaker A 4) YES! #Empathy can be taught. Great new resource: Unselfie by Dr. Michele Borba #ohiogtchat
— TrudyLudwig (@TrudyLudwig) October 24, 2016
Parents, too, really need to check their vibe on pushing "dominance." Good to push excellence but not at "crushing" competition. #ohiogtchat
— Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) October 24, 2016
@TrudyLudwig @redwhiteandgrew Absolutely! A huge problem among the gifted population causing so much pressure. #ohiogtchat
— Heather Cachat (@HeatherCachat) October 24, 2016
In SOME G/2E households, you've got a stew of dominance, poor modeling and perhaps unresolved parental issues #ohiogtchat
— Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) October 24, 2016
#ohiogtchat A5 ) Bullying is a community issue that must be dealt w/ at community level-educators, parents and kids in school community
— TrudyLudwig (@TrudyLudwig) October 24, 2016
#ohiogtchat A 5) Rather than focusing on "NO Bullying" posters, we need to see more + messaging in schools--YES to Kindness!
— TrudyLudwig (@TrudyLudwig) October 24, 2016
A5) All adults need to 1) get clear on language 2) address/resolve personal history with the topic #ohiogtchat https://t.co/7sisjM1hp1
— Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) October 24, 2016
A5) I mention some resources in book, but programs like Mindful Schools help create pro-social environment for adults AND kids #ohiogtchat
— Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) October 24, 2016
@HeatherCachat #ohiogtchat. A big factor in changing school climate is to empower the students--the bystanders can help by being upstanders
— TrudyLudwig (@TrudyLudwig) October 24, 2016
@redwhiteandgrew In other words...parents need to keep their own emotional baggage in check :-) #ohiogtchat
— TrudyLudwig (@TrudyLudwig) October 24, 2016
@HeatherCachat #ohiogtchat Upstanders report 2grown-ups they trust 2help targets get protection & kids who do hurtful behavior can get helpt
— TrudyLudwig (@TrudyLudwig) October 24, 2016
A5) Note my book has a sample letter--written with help from a school admin--for parents on how to address a problem w/poise #ohiogtchat
— Pamela Price (@redwhiteandgrew) October 24, 2016
Being bullied is a painful experience, but there is one more resource I want to leave you with. It is something I have used with parents in my SENG parent groups. The Bully Shield is a family activity that helps your children know their strengths in your family, and what each person values about the other people in your family. Feel free to use this with your family, and let us know your thoughts about this chat and resources in the comments.